March 19, 2008

My dearest little Ava,

I can hardly believe how much you've changed over the last few weeks! You've become so much more aware of everything and have started using so many new words! Yesterday you came up to me and hugged and kissed my arm for no reason. It was the first time you'd spontaneously kissed me, without being prompted. It melted my heart like you wouldn't believe. You've also started pointing at things saying "no no!" in a loud voice. =) Your favorite thing by far is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. You could watch it for hours straight if I let you... until you found something to get into anyway. =) I love your little kiss face... when you want a kiss you stick out your lower lip like your pouting and crane your neck forward. Every night when I put you to bed we have to say prayers, and you have to give goodnight kisses. You're "smiley face" consists of you squinting your eyes and baring your teeth... you do this every time you see a camera. =) I wish I could remember every single adorable little thing that you do... but I don't. I would write them all down so I would never forget them. Do you know how my heart lights up every time I see you? Do you know that when you cry it makes me want to cry also? Do you know that the sweet little things you do, like blow kisses to strangers, makes me want to cuddle you so hard and never let you go? I hope you always know... no matter how old you are, or what happens in life... You are loved unconditionally. I will never turn my back on you. I will never choose someone over you. I will protect you and your reputation. I will always love you, Ava. I can't help it. One day you'll be angry at me, and think that I don't... but I do. More than you will ever know until you hold your own child one day. I pray every day that I can be a good mommy to you. That I will make good decisions. That I will show you how to love Jesus and how much he loves you. Every thing I do in my own life to improve myself is now for you. So that you won't deal with what I have. So that you can be healthy and know that you're loved and have that stability in your life that will give you the confidence to fulfill all your dreams. You are beautiful. I hope you always have that crazy confidence that lets you be imperfect, and embrace it. It's ok... sometimes it's the imperfect things that make you the most beautiful... Don't waste your life trying to be the best... just be you. Be happy. Smile. Goof off. Don't care what you look like at every second. It's not worth it. Always remember that the beauty you have inside will shine through. Don't be broken. Don't let anyone break you. Be strong, be a fighter, be happy no matter what. Don't let anyone steal your smile. I wish someone had told me these things when I was little. I wish I could have grown up knowing them, instead of trying to replace the myths in my life with these truths now, as a grown person. Please know that whatever mistakes I make, Ava... I don't want to. I want to teach you everything... but I can't. I'm still learning myself. Forgive me for the mistakes that I make. Forgive me for the hurts that I'll cause you one day... and the things that I instill in you that will need to be undone. =) I try baby girl... and I always will. One day you might write these very things to your daughter, hoping that you can do better than what you had... and you will. I believe in you. I love you with all my heart, little one. This might not all make sense... but tonight, to me, it does.

Love, Mom